Shut Up Athena

Mt. Olympus was shaking. Humans at the foot of the mountain worried that a volcano was about to erupt. Mortals, however, are constantly wrong. Something else was going on and it wasn’t pretty.

“Oh my gosh! Like, why don’t I get a city named after me? Why does Athena get one? Like, seriously...” said Aphrodite.

“Um, why do I get a city? It’s because I’m the smartest, the strongest, and the cleverest! People adore me, it’s only natural that the greatest city-state is named after me. The Goddess of Wisdom, Aphrodite, I don’t stand around looking pretty, Stupid.” said Athena.

“Athena, darling. I know you’re jealous of my beauty, you don’t have to bring it up. There’s no need to compensate for looking hideous!”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s right hag”

“Stupid.”

“Ugly.”

“Narcissist. “

“Geek.”

“Seafoam.”

“Seafoam?”

“Yeah Aphrodite, you’re not a true goddess like me. All you did was rise out of the ocean saying “I’m so pretty, I’m so glorious, bow to me, blah blah blah”

Athena was smirking now, she had finally won.

“Seafoam.” said Athena

“Shut up!” said Aphrodite

“Seafoam.”

“You’re going down!”

“Bring it!”

All of the Olympians were tired of this fighting. All except Ares who had decided he would enjoy watching and eating popcorn while everyone else tried to calm the two goddesses. Other than that weirdo, the Gods were getting a headache and Zeus had had enough of it.

“Aphrodite and Athena! Stop right this instant! Cease your quarreling or a will see to it that you two are exiled... to the same small island.” said Zeus. He knew that Athena and Aphrodite would stop immediately at stakes this high.

“Yes sir.” the two goddesses replied simultaneously.

Zeus had started his huge lecture on how the Olympians should be all above fighting. No one was really listening and war was raging among the goddesses again. Athena had just sent her owl to mess up Aphrodite’s hair. The fights were common among them and they had started to even enjoy them. Let’s not worry right now, else where in the world bigger problems are afoot...

Somewhere in China, a small village had just finished celebrating after ending a nightmare. A group of five blood-thirsty, freelance assassins had all finally had been executed. Quietness had finally reached the village for the first time in years

“All done!” said the Buddhist monk has he finished burying the remains of the five assassins. “No more fear of walking outside your home, what a wonderful day this is!” The monk walked away from the roadside gravesite. The little village had thought they had finally gotten rid of those terrible men for good. How wrong they were...

“Where are we?” asked assassin number one. The band of five had been walking in circles full of darkness for a long time now. You still get tired after you die you know.

“Where are you?” said a voice in the empty darkness, “You five are all at the fabulous gates of the Underworld!”

“The Underwha?” asked the second assassin who was the dumbest of the bunch.

“And what gates?” asked the forth assassin.

“Haha, things are not always as they appear my friend.” said the voice as a desk, a chair, stanchions, a man, and of course, gates materialized in the dark. The man was wearing a black toga and looked very professional.

“Wait in line to receive judgment.” said the man.

“There’s no one there.” said the fifth assassin.

“Really? I guess it’s about time to get new glasses then... anyway Hades is right past those gates, I have a feeling that you’re the type to be sent to him.” said the man.

“Hades! As in the Greek God Hades?” said the third assassin who was by far the smartest.

The man behind the counter looked irritated, “Is there any other? I’m dismissing you to go meet him. Now shoo!”

As the group of five walked toward the throne room, panic over washed them.

“Oh no! We’ve all been praying to the wrong gods!” said the fourth assassin.

“Does it even matter? What god would take care of serial killers?” asked the third assassin.

“He’s got a point there...” said numbers one and two.

While this group of crazy murders bickered, the king of the Underworld was having a lot of his own share of problems...

Persephone, Hades’ wife was trying to calm down he husband. The Underworld was getting overpopulated and Hades was sick of caring for so many people.

“I do not get it,” he complained, “Seriously! Zeus and Poseidon have all the fun up there. People die and the Earth doesn’t get too crowded. How about me! This constant stream of people for the past millennia just doesn’t stop. Every day thousands enter and none leave. I’m overworked and underpaid... and what worker’s union listens to the king of the Dead? God, worker’s unions don’t even exist yet!”

“Calm down dear, no need to get so upset...” said Persephone.

“THERE IS A NEED TO GET UPSET!!!” yelled Hades

“Um, well, okay dear. I...I...I’m going to... take a walk, yes that’s it!” she said.

Persephone got up to leave her fuming husband and to relax a bit. Spring seemed so far away...

“Curse those pomegranate seeds!” she muttered under her breath as she walked away.

Hades was still on his throne, muttering a long string of some of the most unpleasant curses when he was rudely disturbed. Five strange looking men who seemed to be arguing entered the room.

“We’re going to die!”

“We’re already dead you idiot!”

“SILENCE!” yelled Hades who was really pissed off at the moment.

“Whoa, who are you?” asked assassin five.

“I’m Hades, you may refer to me as King Hades, but that is not really important right now. I’m going to use you weirdoes to make Olympus annoyed! I am so tired of seeing dead people every single day. Well I have a solution! You, my idiotic friends will go to Olympus and tell all those stuck-up Olympians that I’ve had enough. No more dead people for me!” said Hades, “It’s such a great plan!”.

“Oh sure, it takes a sure genius to think that up!” said assassin four (In case you didn’t notice, heavy on the sarcasm here)

“I know!” said Hades “Now go!”

Hades clapped his hands and the five assassins started to dissolve into the air.

“Don’t mess up or I’ll send you into the Fields of Punishment! Go directly to Mount Olympus! I’m going to drop you off in Athens. ” said Hades.

Now, if there’s one thing that the Band of Five Assassins were famous for it was not following directions. Whether they all had hearing problems or they just didn’t listen to other people no one knew. They all heard the first thing Hades said about the Fields, but about going directly to Olympus, they didn’t seem to catch that part. Dear reader, if there is one thing you need to know it is this, Hades is screwed. Sending five psychopathic assassins to do your bidding is not the way to go.

Back on Olympus...

“And that is why we never, ever fight. It upsets the balance of things. Understand?” asked Zeus as he concluded his speech.

Athena and Aphrodite were both of in their little world. Aphrodite had finally fixed her hair after the owl attack and was starting to file her nails. Athena was polishing her helmet. “Yes, Zeus” they both answered in a bored tone.

“Good, now why don’t we all put this behind us and...” started Zeus before the messenger god interrupted him.
“OH MY GOD! ATHENS IS BURNING DOWN TO RUBBLE!” yelled Hermes.

“ Aphrodite! Did you do this! If you did I will personally rip you limb to limb, throw you in a casket, burn you to ashes, bake you into bread, and feed you to the crows!” screamed Athena.

“Wow! Athena’s got a wild side! I like it!” said Ares who apparently finished is popcorn and walked towards Athena.

“Athena, I did nothing of the sort... and hey! Ares, you like Athena! I thought you loved me!” said a near tears Aphrodite.

“Aphrodite dear, you’re pretty... but Athena owns!” said Ares.

Ares had just put his arm around Athena’s shoulders.

“Get away from me you sicko!” yelled Athena.

Now Athena, Aphrodite, and Ares were fighting. Zeus and Hermes were having a discussion on how to approach the “Athens-is-burning-down-run-for-you’re-lives” problem. The rest of Gods and Goddesses were running around in hysteria.

(This is really funny when you try to imagine it, go ahead, I’ll wait)

            Hades was watching over this scene with pleasure, everything was working perfectly. Well, he hadn’t really planed all of this but he was fine with the outcome. Give the guy a break!

            In Athens...

            Athens burning down, every one was running to escape the flames. The flames that the crazy assassins had started. Chaos. That was the way to describe it, and assassins one through five were all enjoying it. They were all on ancient Greek island of Atlantis, which was close enough to Athens that they could watch the show. The stupid men had raised a banner that read, “Clap for the wonderful assassins who put this light show on free of charge!” That same banner would be the reason they would die again at the hands of the Olympians.

“There!” yelled Hermes who pointed at the banner that was being hung from two trees. “They’re the culprits!” he said

“Hello how are you doing?” asked assassin number one.

“Want to come to the party we’re having?” asked number two “We’re going to start a bon...” the man didn’t even get to finish his sentence.

If you’ve never known this, this bit of knowledge is important, OLYMPIANS FIGHT DIRTY. Once you strike a fight with one you don’t have a chance. Don’t even try, that’s my advice. Read a few myths, you’ll see what I’m talking about, most human die quickly, and if they don’t the Gods will just turn you into a spider or a pig or something.

Anyways, about the assassins, they never knew what was coming. Poseidon sent a tidal wave and drowned them. His only mistake was that he made it too big and sunk the island. That’s why only the Greeks knew Atlantis existed, it was their island. Poseidon says he’s sorry but no one is forgiving him. Poor Poseidon... Anyway, the assassins died, Hades gave up Overworld conquest, Athena, Aphrodite, and Ares are fighting again. To say it simply, life in Mount Olympus, the Underworld, and the Earth are back to normal.

And that is why we never ever fight. Look what it did to Athens. It would also help if you didn’t drop out of school, start on crack, buy a sword, and become a nameless assassin. You know, just saying... This is pipstress, your crazy storyteller, over and out.




.:THE END:.